


In your eyes I see a way for me

by movefastbreakthings



Category: Social Network (2010), Social Network (2010) RPF
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Overdosing, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-03
Updated: 2012-12-03
Packaged: 2017-11-20 04:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/581134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/movefastbreakthings/pseuds/movefastbreakthings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Andrew comes home to find that Jesse has overdosed on his pills.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In your eyes I see a way for me

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Someone Else's Life by Joshua Radin

Jesse is sitting on the couch in his apartment, rubbing his hands over his knees in that terrible way where he’s just desperate for touch and feeling and anything. He’s scraping his nails up his arms, trying to use the pain to get away from his mind. He feels like he needs to cry but he doesn’t remember how to. He doesn’t remember how to breathe or stand or move or see or hear or how the fuck he ended up here. Now. In this mess.  
  
Anxiety attacks just fucking come on like this with no warning or reason and all of a sudden they’re just eating whatever is left of him. The doctor told him the pills would make everything okay but his head is pounding and it feels like his skull is too small for his brain and it's pushing against it. He flexes his fingers and balls them up repetitively, just trying to get away from himself. Andrew is out right now, thank god. He’s never seen Jesse during an anxiety attack, all curled up on the couch and vulnerable.  
  
Then it’s like a flip is switched. Instead of the pounding terrible thoughts and words in his head, it feels like his whole life is useless, nothing, empty. His whole body, his mind, his heart, empty. Open. Why. He just wants it better. That’s when the doorknob turns. Fuck. Just his fucking luck. Andrew steps into the house calling out some kind of casual greeting that Jesse can’t hear. The sound is clouded like Andrew is on the other side of a wall, trying to speak to him but he just…can’t.  
  
Jesse can tell something is happening outside of his own personal apocalypse but he doesn’t know what. Fuck, why can’t he just fucking see. Andrew. His best friend. And all Jesse can do is stare straight ahead. Into nothing. Unresponsive. Almost as if he’s dead.  
  
xxx  
  
Andrew hurries up the stairs of the apartment building to the place he and Jesse have shared since filming started. He was out all day and brought Jesse home his favorite snack from 7-11 to make up for not being around as much lately. He can tell something is wrong, though, from the moment he steps inside. It’s quiet. More than normal. The lights are all off. And then he sees Jesse lying on the couch, motionless.  
  
“Jes…” he calls tentatively. No response. “Jesse…Jesse, answer me.” Nothing. He runs over to the couch, trying to remain calm. Maybe he’s asleep. Jesse has sleeping problems but maybe he took those pills his doctor prescribed. Andrew sits down next to him, shaking him gently, and that’s when he sees it. Jesse did take the sleeping pills. And the anxiety pills. And the depression pills. Bottles and pills are spilled all over the coffee table.  
  
Fuck, what is going on. No. No, this isn’t happening. Jesse is Andrew’s best friend and this is not happening. Jesse is the only one in the world Andrew is sure he loves and this. Is. Not. Happening. Andrew is shaking as he pulls his cell phone out to dial 911. His hands are shaking so badly, it takes him four tries to type it.  
  
“Please calmly explain your emergency,” a gentle female voice on the other end answers.  
  
“It’s, he’s, he’s not moving and the pills and I need to get him somewhere where he can-” Andrew stutters out. He can’t remember ever being this panicked in his life.  
  
“Sir, calm down, it will be all right. Please explain what happened,” the woman says.  
  
“I came home and he was lying here and there are pills and I need him to be alive.” Andrew hears his voice quiver. He answers the woman’s remaining questions and is told to drive Jesse to the nearest hospital. His face is dripping with sweat as he carefully leans over Jesse and picks him up. Jesse’s limp neck flops his head against Andrew’s chest and Andrew's shoulders tremble for a moment. He refuses to let himself cry, forcing himself to stay as calm as possible, just in case Jesse wakes up. He wouldn’t want him to wake up into a panicked environment. He kisses Jesse gently on the forehead before laying him across the back seat of his car. Why didn't he ever do that before?  
  
Andrew sits by Jesse’s hospital bed, holding his hand. He knows the only reason he was allowed in the room with Jesse is because the nurse likes Spiderman but fuck it if he cares about anything that isn’t Jesse right now. The doctor says Jesse’s alive but he’s passed out. Maybe even in a coma. That’s when Andrew’s breath gets shorter, throat thickening. Tears run down his cheeks as he stares down at Jesse’s softly heaving chest. Did Jesse actually try to take his own life? What did Andrew do? Is it his fault? And why in hell did Jesse never tell him how he actually felt?  
  
For now all Andrew can do is hold Jesse's hand and sweep his soft curls out of his eyes and tell him how much he loves him and needs him and pray that he hears.  
  
xxx  
  
Jesse feels Andrew’s arms around him, distantly. He feels Andrews lips gentle on his forehead. He feels the IV being put in his arm. He feels Andrew’s hand in his. He hears Andrew crying. He hears Andrew speaking to him. The same sounds over and over. Why can’t he make them out. Why can’t he look at Andrew. Why can’t he squeeze Andrew’s hand. Why can’t he.  
  
xxx  
  
The monitor displaying his heartbeat goes dead. That one fucking line running straight. And people are in there, tons of them. People in scrubs and lab coats, running around, yelling things, pulling Andrew away from Jesse in the one moment they have left. He hears them calling, “Clear!” trying to shock the life back into Jesse’s empty body. He hears the panicked yells. He hears his own sobs. He hears that same fucking beep. The never-ending ending of Jesse. Until it’s not anymore.  
  
xxx  
  
  
Jesse’s trying so hard to call out to Andrew. Trying so hard to hold on to something, anything. But he can’t do anything. He’s in this huge blank abyss. Nothing is everything and he can’t hold on. He can’t find anything to grasp onto. He needs it. He needs to tell Andrew what he wanted and needed and why he wanted so badly to give up and why it’s so important now that he holds on. But there’s nothing. And he’s letting go.  
  
xxx  
  
The doctors force Andrew out of the room but he presses up against the window, trying to understand what’s happening. They're asking him things that scare him. He can’t even picture living without Jesse. Jesse is the thing that makes him the happiest he’s ever been, even if he has to be happy just being Jesse’s best friend.  
  
He ends up listing himself as Jesse’s main contact. Jesse’s parents died years back in a car accident, he has no uncles or aunts, and he’s an only child. As far as Andrew knows, he’s Jesse's best friend. At least that enables him to be in the hospital past visiting hours. Andrew stares in at Jesse’s lifeless body when his heart rate suddenly spikes up again. The doctors get it to a steady rate before tentatively allowing Andrew back into the room. Andrew holds Jesse’s hand up to his face, tears running against it.  
  
“Jes…Jesse…I love you. I love you so much. God, and I’m so sorry I never told you that and I’m so sorry I let you get to this point. And…I love you.”  
  
xxx  
  
Jesse surfaces from the foggy alter-reality he was in. He hears Andrew speaking and finally he can make out the words. Or can he? It sounds like Andrew is saying…that he loves him…no. No that can’t be right. He must still be gone. He blinks his eyes open. He’s in an overly clean, white hospital room and Andrew is by is side and Andrew is…crying. His eyes are red and bloodshot and he’s holding Jesse’s hand.  
  
“Wh-what’s going on? Andrew…Andrew, what happened?”  
  
“Jes, thank god you’re okay. My god, I was so worried. But you’re okay.”  
  
Jesse is shaking. Panicking. This is unfamiliar. It’s all just so unfamiliar.  
  
“What happened?” He asks again, desperate for clarity, for comfort in something.  
  
“You…you overdosed, Jes, on your meds. So, I-I took you here because I was so worried. Fuck, so worried. But you’re okay now! And everything his fine! And once we get the okay from the doctors, we can go back home.”  
Suddenly, Jesse’s eyes are falling closed again even thought he's still desperate to find some sense of security.  
  
“I…I’m so tired, Drew.”  
  
Andrew smoothes a single curl out of Jesse’s eyes, “Go to sleep now. I’ll talk to the doctors about how soon we can leave here, okay?” he feels Jesse tense and quickly adds, “But not until you’ve fallen asleep, all right? I’m staying. Close your eyes now.”  
  
xxx  
  
Jesse is asleep within minutes and Andrew quietly slips out of the room to find a doctor. The doctor tells him they should be able to go home by tomorrow morning, but that they’d like Jesse to stay the night here. He says that Andrew will have to give Jesse his meds from now on and he gives him several pamphlets on depression and anxiety.  
  
Andrew goes back into the room and fits his hand back in Jesse’s before falling asleep himself. They both sleep through the night, Andrew waking up occasionally and checking on Jesse before dozing back off. All the remaining tests go as planned and they’re back home before morning is over.  
  
Andrew cooks Jesse up some breakfast and forces him to eat it before explaining the new rules about his medication to him. Jesse nods idly, clearly embarrassed that this happened in the first place. Andrew rambles on for minutes, reading off sections from pamphlets and just trying to fill the space until suddenly, Jesse speaks.  
  
xxx  
  
Jesse has just been listening to Andrew talk, not remembering much about the day before until, suddenly, it’s like lightning hits him.  
  
“Andrew,” he cuts him off mid-sentence.  
  
Andrew just looks at him like a deer in the headlights. He’s startled by Jesse’s sudden intensity.  
  
“You…you said something in the hospital. Or, at least, I think you did. And I just want to be clear on if it’s really…what you said.”  
  
Andrew is quiet, just staring at Jesse, so Jesse continues.  
  
“You…said something about…love. Loving me.”  
  
“Of course I love you,” Andrew blurts out without thinking. And that’s when he remembers why he never told Jesse before. He refuses to scare Jesse like that and risk their friendship just for his own selfish wants. Andrew attempts to cover up his premature confession by saying, “Like a brother. A best friend. You’re my best friend, Jes.”  
  
And Jesse’s world drops. It crashes back to reality. Why does Jesse hope this way? It only ever leads to disappointment. Why did he even think someone as incredible as Andrew would love him?  
  
“Right, right, of course,” he sputters out, trying to mask the disappointment in his voice and eyes but he can feel the tears welling up. He abruptly stands up to announce he’s going to take a nap. He’s only just shut the door behind him when the tears start trickling down his cheeks. He shouldn’t have convinced himself that Andrew could actually ever feel something that wasn’t blatantly platonic for him. He crumbles down onto his bed, letting himself break down again over Andrew.  
  
xxx  
  
Andrew’s knees go weak and he falls onto the couch. Fuck. He scared Jesse away now. Jesse obviously saw through him and his dumb cover up. Now Jesse’s not going to want him around anymore and Andrew will be alone again. As always. Fucking fantastic.  
  
Andrew makes a quick decision, maybe too quick, that the best thing to do would just be to call up a motel and sleep and live there for a few days to give Jesse space to feel comfortable again. He packs a bag quickly, tears silently running over his face, and leaves a note on the kitchen table saying only that he’ll be back in a few days.  
  
xxx  
  
Jesse manages to compose himself in time to go into the kitchen to eat lunch with Andrew. He sits down at the table, staring expectantly at Andrew’s bedroom door. They have lunch together at the same time every day and it’s not like Andrew to skip without telling Jesse. He’s starting to fidget his fingers nervously when he looks at his hands and sees a carefully written note under them.  
  
Sorry Jes,  
I’ll be gone for a few days  
See you when I get back  
Drew  
  
His hands start shaking and all his careful composure is lost. His face is contorting, trying not to let the tears fall but they come anyway, big and hot, rolling down his face and dropping onto the note, making the ink bleed.  
  
He wants to go back in his room and just lie in his bed forever and make everything go away and make Andrew come home but he doesn’t trust his legs to be able to make it. He tries to anyway, unable to sit a moment longer in the cold, hard chair under the harsh light, but he collapses onto the floor as soon as he’s stood up. He gives up then, just laying there for the rest of the day and through the night, begging for sleep.  
  
xxx  
  
Andrew sits on the edge of the generic bedspread in the motel room. The smell of smoke is remnant and the air conditioning is blasting into Andrew’s eyes. He lays back onto the bed, fully clothed, with even his shoes still on. He falls asleep instantly but wakes up nearly every hour in a cold sweat. How will he manage if Jesse decides it’s too weird to be friends with Andrew any longer? He couldn’t. And that’s why he’s here tonight instead of at home, only a door away from Jesse. These few nights are going to be terrible but it’ll be worth it to stay friends with Jesse.  
  
xxx  
  
Jesse squints his eyes open. The sunlight is casting down on his face through the kitchen window. He feels as though he slept for ten seconds which very well might be the case. He forces himself to get up and shower where he tries to talk himself out of this state he’s in.  
  
So what? You lost Andrew. Yeah, it’s terrible and yeah, you miss him and yeah, he was the best thing that has ever come into your life but…he realizes there’s actually no up side to this situation.  
  
He loves Andrew and Andrew is gone now. Being upset over Andrew only loving him in a platonic way seems silly now. He’d take that with a smile now. He sits down on his bed after he gets out of the shower, too tired and sick to even put on clothes. Eventually he walks into Andrew’s room and puts on a pair of his boxers and a t-shirt, desperate to feel close to him, longing to feel like there’s anything left of them being together.  
  
It’s getting harder to breathe. Fuck, where did Andrew put Jesse’s pills. He knows he’s only supposed to take them when Andrew gives them to him but Andrew is gone. The words pound into his head like a fist. Andrew. Is. Gone.  
  
xxx  
  
Andrew rubs his eyes sleepily and looks at the alarm clock. Noon. At least he got some sleep, even if it wasn’t necessarily peaceful. He can’t help but think about Jesse. Hell, when isn’t he thinking about Jesse? Jesse has been the number one topic of his mind for months now, it’s only now, though, when every thought feels like a knife in his chest, that he notices how much he really does think about Jesse.  
  
He wonders if Jesse misses him or if he’s relieved to have Andrew out of the house. He wonders if Jesse is sitting down to eat lunch now, without him. Probably not. Jesse only ever really eats when Andrew reminds him to. Andrew looks over at the alarm clock again and notices something.  
  
Fuck. Jesse’s pills. Oh god, Andrew still has them. Jesse needed to take one an hour ago. He pulls on a t-shirt and jeans and grabs his cell phone. He dials Jesse’s number as he grabs his bag and runs down to the front desk. Jesse doesn’t pick up. Fuck, that’s not a good sign. He slaps his room key down on the table and drives away as quickly as he can.  
  
xxx  
  
Jesse is gasping for breath but all of the air seems to be draining out of the room. His legs feel weak all of a sudden and he sits down on his bed. He’s dizzy and his eyes are focusing in and out and he can’t think of anything other than the fact that Andrew left him. Because Andrew couldn’t stand to be around him a moment longer. And he doesn’t blame him. Jesse is weak and boring and pathetic and uninspiring. Why should he want to be around him? Jesse can’t seem to stop drilling these thoughts into his head.  
  
xxx  
  
When Andrew gets inside, he immediately goes to Jesse’s room. He opens the door without knocking and sees Jesse. He’s curled up on the bed, shaking and hyperventilating. Andrew drops his bags, forgetting about everything, even the pills, and lies down next to Jesse, pulling his face against his chest and shoulder.  
  
“Shh, it’s all right. You’re all right. I’m here. Everything is fine,” he murmurs gently.  
  
Jesse is tense for a moment before he relaxes into Andrew. Andrew slides his arms around Jesse, pulling him in closer. This is the exact moment he’s been waiting for for months and it’s nerve-wracking. He needs to make sure it’s absolutely all right with Jesse. Andrew is just desperate to do whatever makes Jesse happy or at least okay.  
  
Jesse moves his arm around Andrew, keeping the other on his own face. He isn’t shaking anymore and Andrew kisses him softly on the forehead before getting up to get Jesse’s pills. The moment he lets go of Jesse, a little whimper escapes Jesse’s lips and he pulls his arms around his stomach as it convulses. Andrew smoothes Jesse’s hair out of his eyes and says, “Don’t worry, Jes, I’m just getting your pills. I’m not going anywhere.” Andrew wishes he could feel like this forever; wanted, needed, loved.  
  



End file.
